Since there are such a large number of families experiencing divorce, there has been and continues to be a huge amount of research completed on the topic every year. Professionals that work with families in divorce (including Child Development Specialists, Consultants, Family Therapists, Play Therapists,Psychologist and Psychiatrists) all conduct routine evaluations of how different types of parenting styles or models impact on children. This research indicates that there are basically three models used by parents in most areas, although they may be known by different names in different countries.For purposes of this discussion these parenting models will be known as:
? Independent Parenting
? Parallel Parenting
? Co-Parenting
The models are discussed from the most distant type of model to the highest level of communication, collaboration and dual parent interaction with regards to the children. Parents may find that in the initial phases of the divorce when the emotional level is high, the first two may be more practical andmanageable, but parents should be working towards the third model, the collaborative co-parenting model as the ultimate parenting through divorce goal.
INDEPENDENT PARENTING
Independent parenting is really exactly what you may expect the term to mean. In this parenting arrangement each parent manages their own rules, expectations and day-to-day routines with respect to the children when the children are in their care. To avoid confusion, having custody of the children will be known as parenting time in this book. So, in independent parenting models, when it is Mom?s parenting time she makes the rules, sets discipline and handles all issues without consultation with Dad. Dad likewise sets rules, develops discipline policies and handless the decisions when the kids are with him, again without consultation with Mom.
Most parents, especially those with older children, can quickly see that this can be a potential disaster in the making. The problems with independent parenting models are:
? Kids quickly learn Mom and Dad are not talking or collaborating, and may take advantage of the situation by play both parents off each other. In the worse case scenario these kids will be literally living two lives disconnected from each other without the ability to talk about or comment on what is happening in their other home.
? All children need structure and predictability in their life. This model may not provide any structure or predictability, especially if Mom and Dad have very different views of parenting. Kids may be highly confused if rules, expectations and discipline are vastly different between homes.
? Kids don?t have the opportunity to continue to see and understand both parents are working together; rather they clearly see that Mom and Dad are in conflict and not interacting. This may teach children all the wrong skills needed to be effective communicators and problem solvers in their own lives.
In very high conflict situations independent parenting may be first step or model that most parents use. Working with a family therapist, communication or conflict coach, parenting co-ordinator or other professional can help parents get back on track with communication and positive and productive interactions with regards to the children.
PARALLEL PARENTING
Parallel parenting is still a limited interaction model between the two parents, and is the one most often used by parents in the period directly after the divorce. In parallel parenting both parents work together to achieve the same goals for their children.
A great way to picture this is to think of a railroad track. Each parent is one rail of the track, both heading in the same direction to make sure the train
(or child in this case) gets to the same goal destination. Parallel parenting requires that parents have a common understanding of what each other are doing in their respective household with regards to the kids, and they ensure that what they are doing is similar. There is limited interaction orcommunication between parents, but children have predictability, structure and routine through their parenting time with both Mom and Dad. Often parents that are using a parallel parenting model will have a written parenting plan, which is a document that outlines the various aspects of raising their children. Parenting plans will include details of the children?s lives such as parenting time schedules (access and visitation in legal terms), routines, discipline, medical issues, supervision, and extra financial considerations for special events and even issues of daily routines and extracurricular activities for the children.
Communication between parents may be through attorneys, therapists or counselors, mediators or even via email if personal contact is still stressful. In most cases parallel parenting is beneficial to the children since they have security, routine and the understanding that Mom and Dad are working together in their upbringing and care.
CO-PARENTING
The most child friendly model of parenting through divorce is the model most commonly known as co-parenting. In this model Mom and Dad continue to discuss issues as they relate to the child or children, interact routinely with regards to information specific to the kids, and often talk and/or phone each other with questions or concerns about the kids. While parents may not specifically spend time together with the kids, many co-parents attend birthday parties, school events and other special activities together to allow the child to feel very much a part of both parent?s lives.
Many people feel that co-parenting is an unreasonable expectation for divorced parents, however research clearly indicates that this is the best possible model for your children, provided both parents can remain civil, respectful and child centered during discussions and interactions. Co-parenting is almost like operating a business with the other parent as a partner with the goal of raising the happiest, healthiest kids. Co-parenting does not mean that you have to have extended conversations about anything other than the kids? health, happiness and general well being and development.
Co-parenting requires a lot of effort on both parent?s part. Whatever caused the break up of the marriage has to be put aside or in the past, with all communication between the two parents now related to bringing up your children. Anger and frustration may occur, but effective co-parents use angermanagement and communication techniques to minimize or eliminate any anger towards each other in the presence of the children.
Source: http://healthandparentingtips.com/parenting-approaches-during-the-process-of-divorce/
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